Will it always be the same?

I’ve been feeling so exhausted lately. Not only physically exhausted but mentally as well. For me (and I think most of us) I would take being physically tired over the exhaustion of my mind and emotions any day.

As I wake up night after night to end Hope’s feed and administer some medications, I think about how much I love her, but more so how much I am reeeeally missing our night time nurse (Corona, you can be done anytime now, thanks).

As I often wake up an hour or two after that to soothe Hope because she is having a seizure, I think to myself, is this ever going to change?

It’s one thing to wake up to a crying baby, and I know that is exhausting. But when you are waking up night after night to the sounds of a loud yelp, leading to a seizure, it takes a toll on you. Last night was particularly hard. As Hope gets physically bigger, it’s harder to tuck her into my arms and hold her close. As we wean her off of a very sedating medication, she is now way more alert, which means her seizures come with louder cries, getting really worked up, and moving her body all around. I’ve already been hit in the face and scratched (which reminds me, I need to cut her nails).

And with all of this, as I am trying to hold her in place, evaluate her breathing, and pray over her, I’m finding myself more and more frustrated these days. Not at her, but at the situation.

How am I still sleeping in 2-3 hour intervals as if I have a newborn?

How come my body is aching – she is getting so big and I feel emotional that it’s getting harder to hold and carry her.

How is this still happening? Will it always be like this? Will it always be this hard?

Why is the middle of the night the time when I feel most alone. God, where are you? Where is the strength that You promise your children?

I came downstairs this morning, looking like I’ve been run over by a truck (like always) and cried into Lawrens arms. I talked talked talked, and he listened listened listened. Like always, he was caring and compassionate, but straight to the point:

Yes Melissa, this is our life. Realistically it’s probably not going to change very much. We have to take care of her the best we can. Look at how cute she is! (Of course she is sleeping next to us on the couch)

And then came my devotional. Paul David Tripp’s devotional New Morning Mercies has been my go to each day, and his words always direct my thoughts to God. I was reminded today of God leading the Israelites around the city of Jericho. An interesting story about God instructing His people to walk around the walls of the city of Jericho, and eventually the walls fell down (you can find the whole story in Joshua 6). Tripp writes:

…God put a trial in front of them that would powerfully demonstrate his glory and grace, which he was willing to exercise for their salvation. There was no way that this ragtag group of pilgrims would ever be able to defeat the fortified city of Jericho, but that was precisely the point.

The gist of his devotional focuses on our need for God in order for us to do anything. That if we are His children, He will carry us with His strength and wisdom.

This was exactly what I needed to hear today. To be reminded again that no matter what our situation is, we can face it (with joy) because we don’t have to carry the load on our own. It was a gentle reminder that I was carrying more than I needed to be. God made us Hope’s parents and as we seek Him and ask Him for strength and wisdom and understanding, He always does deliver – I just forget a lot, and think that every single unknown about her rests only on me.

And the beauty of this reminder today is that it is for all of us. No matter the scope of the situation in front of you, remember Whose you are. There is Someone, way stronger than you, going before you always.

So we can confidently say, The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me? Hebrews 13:6

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