This morning, and many mornings lately, I have started my day with a Psalm. I haven’t really been following a particular order, but actually just flip through, re-reading passages I have underlined and highlighted. The Psalms are usually where I find myself when my heart is heavy – and those have been our days lately. Yes, Hope’s seizures have been fluctuating more so lately, and when you have started to see some progress, bad seizure days can really get you down. Good days, bad days, but yet to be seizure free days.
Lately, our days look like wrestling with feelings of doubt and discouragement, questioning God and begging Him to give us answers and peace. And the worst part of those days I find are when I have to do everything I can to remind and tell myself that God IS near, even when He feels so very far away. God is so good, God is so faithful are words that are hard to say on these particular days. All the work I’ve done to “come to terms with things” feels like it’s been erased and I’m starting new.
But then things get better. The situation often stays the same, but reminding ourselves of WHO God is usually results in a new found peace in our hearts. So, we keep going.
But today, a chair is what brought me back to that place of despair.
As Hope grows, it becomes more and more apparent to us that she is different. She is developing different and is not acting like a typical 8 month old. It hits us when she becomes hard to carry because she can’t hold herself up. It hits us when we see other kids her age doing things she can’t do. It hits us when the toys we have down in the basement stay there because she wouldn’t be able to use them just yet.
Hope has been trying out different seating options lately to give her the best support possible. I love this stuff – concrete, tangible things that we can try out to help her. No more talking, let’s do this – you know what I mean? I had been so excited for this day. Today we were given The Special Tomato seat to try for the next couple of weeks. Out of all the seats she tried, this one supported her best. I loved seeing her in it, and was excited to know that she had something new to help her. So I took our little bouncy chair that she’s been in since she was born to the basement, and set up this new chair in its place.
And then the ladies left, and I started to wash syringes. I looked over at the chair, and it hit me.
That chair – that is a special needs chair.
And that’s all I needed to go from feeling confident and happy, to down and depressed. All of a sudden that positive spin was gone and it wasn’t this thing that would help her, it was this big slap in the face that would remind me daily that my daughter can’t sit on her own, and needs so much help with something that most of us take for granted.
And in those feelings of anxiety and despair, God reminded me of the things I read this morning – mainly that He hears my prayers. I kept telling myself over and over, He knows. He knows.
I’m sure someone here needs to be reminded today, too, that He is sovereign. That He can do infinitely more than we can ever ask or imagine. That He knows every single detail of your situation, knows how this moment fits into His big picture and plan, and is truly in control. I often feel out of control, but He’s not – and thankfully, in that moment of despair as I stared at that chair, it started to change into a feeling of peace.
He knows – and right now, that’s all I need to know.