The chair

This morning, and many mornings lately, I have started my day with a Psalm. I haven’t really been following a particular order, but actually just flip through, re-reading passages I have underlined and highlighted. The Psalms are usually where I find myself when my heart is heavy – and those have been our days lately. Yes, Hope’s seizures have been fluctuating more so lately, and when you have started to see some progress, bad seizure days can really get you down. Good days, bad days, but yet to be seizure free days.

Lately, our days look like wrestling with feelings of doubt and discouragement, questioning God and begging Him to give us answers and peace. And the worst part of those days I find are when I have to do everything I can to remind and tell myself that God IS near, even when He feels so very far away. God is so good, God is so faithful are words that are hard to say on these particular days. All the work I’ve done to “come to terms with things” feels like it’s been erased and I’m starting new.

But then things get better. The situation often stays the same, but reminding ourselves of WHO God is usually results in a new found peace in our hearts. So, we keep going.

But today, a chair is what brought me back to that place of despair.

As Hope grows, it becomes more and more apparent to us that she is different. She is developing different and is not acting like a typical 8 month old. It hits us when she becomes hard to carry because she can’t hold herself up. It hits us when we see other kids her age doing things she can’t do. It hits us when the toys we have down in the basement stay there because she wouldn’t be able to use them just yet.

Hope has been trying out different seating options lately to give her the best support possible. I love this stuff – concrete, tangible things that we can try out to help her. No more talking, let’s do this – you know what I mean? I had been so excited for this day. Today we were given The Special Tomato seat to try for the next couple of weeks. Out of all the seats she tried, this one supported her best. I loved seeing her in it, and was excited to know that she had something new to help her. So I took our little bouncy chair that she’s been in since she was born to the basement, and set up this new chair in its place.

And then the ladies left, and I started to wash syringes. I looked over at the chair, and it hit me.

That chair – that is a special needs chair.

And that’s all I needed to go from feeling confident and happy, to down and depressed. All of a sudden that positive spin was gone and it wasn’t this thing that would help her, it was this big slap in the face that would remind me daily that my daughter can’t sit on her own, and needs so much help with something that most of us take for granted.

And in those feelings of anxiety and despair, God reminded me of the things I read this morning – mainly that He hears my prayers. I kept telling myself over and over, He knows. He knows.

I’m sure someone here needs to be reminded today, too, that He is sovereign. That He can do infinitely more than we can ever ask or imagine. That He knows every single detail of your situation, knows how this moment fits into His big picture and plan, and is truly in control. I often feel out of control, but He’s not – and thankfully, in that moment of despair as I stared at that chair, it started to change into a feeling of peace.

He knows – and right now, that’s all I need to know.

4 thoughts on “The chair

  1. Dearest Melissa
    You do not know me but I feel that I know you through your writings! We were praying for you when you were pregnant because your friend Sabrina’s mom told us about you! Each time I read your post I am in tears but equally encouraged by your incredible courage and faith! I know that our Lord knows everything and he uses all our lives to bring glory to Himself! But I also know that as a human being I have my doubts and question where God is at times! He is close to you my precious Melissa and will use you to be his remarkable testimony to other families! Hope’s life has been planned by a creator who makes everything perfect and Hope is perfect! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing in such a transparent way and helping me to see that true faith illuminates not when things are going well but precisely when all doesn’t make sense! May our Abba Father continue to be your rock and strength as you raise your beautiful Hope! This Thanksgiving I choose to give thanks for you and your family for helping me to realize what real faith is all about! May the joy of the lord be your strength!
    Bessie Roides


  2. Thank you for sharing another part of your story. You inspire me with your words, your faith and your strength and perseverance in finding moments of peace in your life. You and Lauren are stronger than you think and I thank God that you are totally grounded in Him. God has chosen you to be a blessing in your daughter’s special life. I don’t know if I would have the faith that you seem to have. Blessings to you and your little one and I will keep praying for all of you. Hope is a blessing and she is here. Thankfully you live in a world and time that has special chairs to help Hope sit up.

    I would love to come over and meet your little one since she has become such a big part of my life in prayer.

    Lorri Schuetz


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