This morning, I was walking from our room at the Ronald McDonald house to Hope’s hospital room. I love how quiet the city is early in the morning.
Like always, my mind was racing – wondering what the day ahead of me would bring. Would she have more seizures today? Would she still be really drowsy? Would we have to increase another medication? Would today be a good day? All of the unknowns that usually flood my mind each morning, and really, all throughout the day.
I know that I am technically supposed to be giving all of my thoughts over to the Lord – but some days I don’t really know how to balance between doing that, and being present in what our reality is.
Lawren and I have been taking turns each night. One of us will sleep in her hospital room, and the other at the RM house. Last night it was my turn at the house and Lawren walked me there. As we were taking the elevators down we caught a glimpse of a little baby through the window in the NICU – all swaddled and being held upright in an isolete as the mom was feeding him with a tiny bottle. Oh boy did that bring back a flood of memories that got us talking.
As we were walking to the house we started talking about how life is so different than we imagined. We often talk about that, without “staying there” for too long, if you know what I mean. Verbalizing how our life still shocks us some days, but we try our best to keep looking ahead.
We talked about how at our wedding, we stood at the alter reciting vows, and singing in Christ alone, my hope is found, He is my light, my strength, my song. We talked about how God brought us both together and He knew exactly what our life was going to look like – and we could have never even imagined it.
This morning as I walked back to the hospital I tried to remind myself in the midst of my racing mind that God has always been faithful. I thought back to ways that He provided for me, took care of me and protected me, and I realized that I was never disappointed in Him. But now, this didn’t measure even remotely close to what I’ve ever been through. All of those other things, while big at the time, seemed to pale in comparison to what we were going through now.
But really, that doesn’t matter. Those things were memorial stones that could be used for me to look back on to help me get through this current time – and to get through it with joy.
He was faithful then, He is faithful now. He is the same, the situation is just different.
It’s so easy to put my hope in a good day. To resolve in my mind that if Hope is alert, and has less seizures in a day, I am happy. But when the opposite happens, and when it is a bad day, I feel hopeless.
My hope, your hope, our hope can only ever be found in something that will never fail us. It is impossible to think that anything in this life can bring us enough joy that we can put ALL of our hope in it. I can tell you that first hand. Hope will have a good day and all of a sudden I am filled with joy. I am feeling myself, I feel happy, and I feel like I can conquer anything. And then things take a nasty turn and I am knocked down. Why? Because my hope was dependant on the events of that day. I am slowly learning what it means to put my hope in God alone. The author of my day. The One who goes before and knows exactly what will happen. That means, whether it is a good or bad day, He is the One I find my joy and confidence in. Especially on those bad days, knowing that He is my hope and He is the one establishing my steps for His purpose, helps me not to be in despair or feel shattered.
He really is a Rock and Fortress – a safe place. And I’m not saying that I can’t feel sad or cry – those are the moments that push me to Him even more – where I try to work out what is going on, ask Him for strength in the process, and find rest in that safe place.
I hope you can find peace, rest and HOPE in Him today, no matter what you are going through. I will often sing these words to Hope while snuggling her. I hope they can remind you of Who your hope is in today:
In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid Ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand.